What should be my thoughts???

So...I have not been knowing what is happening around here because blogging has become a very minimal thing that I do in a month. After I left my previous job about a year back, I am seriously not finding enough time to read the blogs I love or write on my page. Needless to say, I find very less time even to surf on the web. One reason might be because I am out of my home with my job and I am not using Internet where I am staying and another reason might be that my mind is more or less entrapped in various other goings-on which I am unable to put into words.

Well, we had a grand time last month with our Hostel day celebs especially because myself and Swar had taken up everything on our heads and finally everything ended up just fine without any serious mishaps. Ooops, ya mishaps did happen...We lost one of our good friends (or whom we had thought to be) from our friends' chain as she turned out to be very different from what we thought her to be. It's when we come to know about people in a closed circle way, that we find their real character or the base of their character to be something entirely surprising. Some people turn out to be the most crooked behind and some people turn out to be the laziest ones that we have ever met and some turn out to be so immature that they need to be given a special tution on character-build. Well, it's all part of the game as we finally realized. We also learnt the biggest lesson that 'age can never make you grown up, it's the mind which makes you really grown up' with the way you understand situations and the way you tackle the hurdles that come across your way.

I have been thinking a lot about pursuing my studies these days as directed by my 'guide'. But I don't know why I am not getting that thrust to move forward and I am also not able to make out from where to begin. I know once I am into the groove, I can really move myself forward but I am not getting the right direction. Nowadays, Sid too is having a busy time with his main exam following and moreover, he is with his brother. These brothers always protects their younger ones and that's making my life a bit difficult but I believe that everything is for good only. Only patience helps one in one's life.

EQ ???@@@%%***

Your EQ is 107

You're average. It's easy to predict how you'll react to things. But anyone could have guessed that. You're a bit moody, and sometimes you have trouble coping with every day life. But you're by no means depressed, and your good days definitely out number your bad days. There's nothing really wrong with your life, but you may not be living up to your actual potential. Negative emotions can be a real drain of your energy, so make sure you have them under control.

What's Your EQ (Emotional Intelligence Quotient)?

Good Days !!!

Very less time is left !!! You might be wondering for what, right???

Nothing that will seem important to you but it's a lot important to me right now than sitting here and writing on my blog. This thing is going to decide the direction of my life, as to where I will be, say, after 5 years from today. So I had better hurry up with this post.

I just wanted to jot down something which I have been thinking of for the past one week. Yeah, I had a great time at FBD with Sid. He made me teary eyed the first day I landed on the airport and I had even taken a rash decision as to never to make up with him ever again but as you know, rash things do get resolved in a rash way..Similarly, this thing also got sorted out by the time our cab reached the college. We didn't talk much during the drive because I was full of fury towards him for making me wait at the airport for a whole 3 hours and he was too shy to overcome my fury. Yeah, it's true that he is a slow one with such pacifying rules.

Well, I never knew how time ran away the last one week with him. Sunday, after reaching there, with the blink of an eye, it was Saturday, the time to leave the college. We shared so many happy moments together but one day I even hurt him by disclosing the dirtiest secret of my life and it really did hit him rather worse and he didn't talk to me for the rest of the time. The next morning, I thought I have lost him, but, him being the angel in my life, came to me and everything was alright again.

Now I feel the worst part of my life has gotten over. The mental tortures, the unwanted worries, the despicable people involved everything has come to an end. Now just one thing remains to be seen: WILL SUCCESS COME OUR WAY???? And I am confident that it will come our way. I am just crossing my fingers and waiting for everything to happen as and when we wish.

The journey back to my home on Saturday brought such a drastic change in my brain which I can't explain. He took me to his brother's place which was a hidden den of books neatly dumped on the tables surrounding him. He looked like a saint born to be great. A man with a calm, gentle dignified demeanor which just made me so happy that I am in such good company. Both brothers seemed like 'Ram&Lakshman' to me. Sid just followed his brother like his devotee. He used to talk to me about his brother so much but I never expected to meet such a gem of a person. I am glad that I am not with a wrong person this time. Now I just wish his brother achieves his aim and win his normal life back, that too, with more vigour than before.

Well, that's all I am planning to write just now because I too have a long mile to go before I "sleep". So see you soon guys!!!

Writer's Block !!!!

It's not a new thing for me.It has been following me for the past few years. Whenever I forcefully overcome it, then you can find my post over here. So here comes one such:

Today, it was blazingly hot over here and now that the sun has come down, the earth is getting a bit cooler. Yesterday, it had rained over here which gave us all a cool and pleasant atmosphere and we had an outdoor dinner in the night just because my sis was all over for it. But even I enjoyed sitting out for dinner. The rain that we get in the middle of summer is usually called "Mango Shower". It is in this season that we get mangoes and jackfruits in our backyard. When I was in my teens, my summer was always spent at my mother's home, about 60 km away from my home. There we used to have lots of mango trees and jackfruit trees and there used to be swarming flies around. Myself and my cousins used to gulp down those mangoes and the jackfruit pieces as soon as they reached the ground. Those were wonderful times of life !!!

Every time I read a new book, I jot down the best lines in those book which I find worthwhile remembering even after the story fades into the memory. Last year, I read 'The Kite Runner' and it was a pretty impressive read and I found the book very touching to the end. There are a few quotes which I would like to mention here:

'Every woman needed a husband. Even if he did silence the song in her.'

This line was worth pondering over. Is it really true that no woman can live a decent life without marriage? Yeah, it's true. In an Indian society, no woman can live alone, rather, people won't let her live her life on her own. I am sure there won't be any single woman who has never had a taste of bitterness from other people's tongues about her own life, the doubtful glances, the nasty interpretations about visitors, and questions that follow her wherever she go. The only single women who could put an end to all those were those who got into such high respectable jobs where no one dare look at her that way. But there are so many women who are weak to respond because they look at their husbands as their only god and are ready to suffer anything under his rule.

'Life is a train, get on board.'

Very true, life is a journey which we all undertake to reach our destination and so we all get on board the 'life train' the moment we are born into this world.

'A man who has no conscience, no goodness, does not suffer.'

In today's world, we find so many murderers, rapists, thieves and such hard hearted criminals who don't care whether they will be punished for their acts or not. They just act upon their will and never stops to listen to their conscience. And when we see how easily they escape the law, it does make us wonder whether that man will ever change. No, such men will never change because they never suffer inside for the cruel deeds they do.

'When you tell a lie, you steal a man's right to the truth.'

A very wonderful line which tells us the significance of telling truth always. Lie never makes us win a situation but it also destroys someone else' rights.

So I hope everyone who reads this finds these quotes interesting and thought provoking. If so, just don't forget to share your views with me dears.....

New Game !!!

My Celebrity Style Twin is Mischa Barton

Funky, bohemian, and girly.

Who's Your Celebrity Style Sister?

BLOG SWAP 2010

Hai everyone !!! Here comes this year's blog swap that has been arranged by 20SB. It's always great getting to know people from across the globe and sharing our space with them and becoming friends with them. So this year, I have got the lovely Nadine as my partner and here comes her post !!!

Hello there, i'm Nadine from nadine loves.. and I'm currently involved in this years Blog Swap with my lovely partner Ams :)

As 2011 is fast approaching, I was asked:

What will I do next year that I have been putting off for so long?

There's so many things that all of us want to do, so many new years resolutions that we are all dying to keep - but we never do! I think all the things I have put off for ages, I will make my New Years Resolutions. This is what I will be doing, hopefully, next year:

1. Join The Gym - Like thousands and millions of people around the world, new year means new you, right? So we vow to loose the weight that we have put on over xmas and go and join the gym. I have been to the gym before and I really enjoyed it. It's just intimidating going on your own and then its distracting when you go with a friend! Will I ever find the right balance? Well, I better as its on my list to do for 2011



2. Go On Holiday - It needs to be done and it's been too long since i've laid on a beach and sipped on a cocktail in the sun. This year, it will happen!



3. Cooking - I hardly ever cook anything from scratch and I really enjoy baking and making. So this year, I will be learning how to make meals from scratch and hopefully sharing them with you guys :)



4. Open My Own Online Boutique - I like to get crafty, make and create! I've always wanted to open my own online store and sell my stuff to the masses :) Obviously have to think about this and plan but this year, 2011, it will happen and hopefully be quite successful!



5. Complete The Happiness Project 2011 - To make 2011 an amazing year, I am participating in The Happiness Project [Thanks to Lindsay at Scenic Glory] This project makes you set little resolutions month so that you can make 2011 the happiest year ever :)

So that's my list, what about yours?

I hope everyone has a great christmas and a happy new year :)

I heartily wish Nadine a great time in the new year ahead with all her dreams coming true....Wishing all the bloggers around the world a Merry Christmas and a very prosperous and happy NEW YEAR !!!

P.S.:Do check out my post on Nadine's blog

The Eternal Truth !!!

This is the eternal truth.....Healing happens eventually even if one feels at the moment that it might never ever be possible.....One might feel like dying thinking that there cannot be something called "healing" of broken-to-pieces heart whereas TIME ALWAYS HEALS ABOUT ANYTHING !!!!

The Debut!!!!

It has again been a long time after I last sat with my blog. Today, thought of giving it some time when suddenly my phone started to ring and here is HIM!!!Well, didn't take much time over the phone because like me he is also busy at his home with his people.

Last week, I got a unique opportunity to be a guest on a program that was being hosted on All India Radio every Sunday. So boom I went!! My friend Sarita was the person behind me getting into the AIR station. After hearing me singing a few Hindi lyrics she had asked me months before whether I am interested in hosting a program just once as a guest and I was all okay for it but it took a long time to materialize for me and last week I underwent the recording. I met a nice lady who welcomed me to host the program and in the blink of an eye, there I was sitting in front of the mic in the recording studio. I blurted out everything that came into my mind, even things that I had not meant to say. I went very far from the script that I had prepared and gave out myself so much details that they had stuff for two programmes and they agreed to give two episodes in my name. I even got to sing some of the lyrics on the mic. So for the first time, I am gonna hear my voice over the radio!!! Great, isn't it?

Well, the AIR-Calicut station is near the beach and it's a fantastic view of the beach from over there. I visited every room that's inside the station and even peeped the control room!!! Felt really great to be there..

Oh, I forgot to tell you!!!The program I hosted is named "Dil se dil tak" and I shared my memories over some of the '60s and '70s songs like Aaja Aayi bahaar , Woh aurat he, Raja ki aayegi baaraat, Itna he tumse pyar, Akhiyon ke Jharoko se, Tum hi meri mandir , Hum intezar karenge, Gar tum bhula na, Tu jaha jaha chalega, Tumne mujhe dekha which are all my favourites. This program will be hosted on 7th and 14th of this month.

So that's all the latest buzz that's happening around here....

Today looks a bleaky day, just like the one you find in the 'vampire story', at Forks!!! hehehe....so the mood is sleepy!!! Get going guys, cyao!!!

Aim For The Sky !!!

DON'T WE DO THIS MOST OF THE TIME???

WELL THEN, LET US CHANGE IT !!!

LET'S START DREAMING WITH A CLEAR HEAD FOR ONCE !!!!

Have a nice day friends !

This is Wonderful !!!

There are certain things that some people in our lives teach us and we sit mesmerized as to how come we never thought about that. There are many such instances in my life when I have thought like : Oooh, why didn't I think like that?? And in fact without such people, we may never come to know that things could happen this way too. So it's important that you try to learn something from the people in your lives. I just started to write this thinking about such a person who is slowly changing my life. This person has such good moral values and such good insight on things around you that you don't need any other light in your path to guide you to the destination other than his thoughts. He takes things in the most practical way that it should be taken whereas I take it partly practical and partly dreamy sort of way. I never started to realize how important it is to spend my time with my family every second that I get with them. This is because all these good times won't stay the same forever. As a seed sprouts,grows,becomes a a big plant and then wilts eventually, man also undergoes various changes in his life. One day what we are seeing today will no longer exist on this realm. So it's important that we make the most of TODAY. Well, sometimes I cry thinking of how my life will be 30 years later. Who will be with me and who won't be?? How will the world have changed??? Will I be able to survive then in the same way that I do now?? Change is definite. Nobody can stop it. That's the reality that ultimately we all have to face. Sometimes I hate 'changes' so much. Why should everyone get old and eventually die??? But that's how the system is set to work. We have to move the way it is set to be. Well, a lot of philosophy needs to be applied to make myself stay happy today. Because that's what keeps us going forward. If we think like why we are living today as we are sure to die tomorrow, then this world will perish sooner than we think. So that's not the right way of thinking. Like Sid said, it is easy to say I can die today if I want but it is hard to fight and survive and win today. One needs more 'strength' and 'will' to do that. One needs real 'power' to do that. Whatever I think, Whatever I do, Whatever I hate about certain things, I really love to live because it's the greatest challenge everyone has to take during one's lifetime !!!

Can't show you my eyes!!!!

One more independence day has passed by....The 63rd year of independence....I am with pink eye or you also call it Madras eye (god knows why they call it that) since Saturday, so couldn't celebrate our independence any better....But thinking about the day makes me feel a lot patriotic and a lot proud for our national heroes.

Today, am on leave as I can't be back at work until my eyes get cleared up. It's all red and murky.

Well, a lot of things have happened in the past week and I was part of a full blown investigation party to only learn in the end that the culprit was in between us!!!!

Whew!!! What a great whacky time we had!!!! But Myself and Swaru did really well and do need a pat on our backs for being in the forefront of this theft investigation. We are thinking of putting up a board at the front of our hostel with our names on it - you know, as the followers of our old CIDs Dasan and Vijayan of Nadodikkattu fame. Really, it was one hell of a thrilling experience.

Well, what else is happening in the blog world??

Here Onam is nearing and the grand celebration is going to be on August 23. So am waiting to have a luscious lap of my favourite Paalada Paayasam.

Before that, am having a get-together with my Pre-Degree friends on the day before Onam and we are all waiting to have a great blast. Well, am all excited but just pray for my eyes dears!!!!

Ciao!

One Fine day....

Ok, so let's get down to business!!! After a month full of interesting events, am back on the blog!!

Had been busy with my hostel day celebrations the first week of this month and it was real fun if you ask me!!! I made real great friends there after my six months' stay there!!! We had a whole week of fun time at the hostel the first week!!! The first day began with the holy mass and a grand feast for all of us and also for the inmates of the nearby orphanage and old age home. It really touched us to see them enjoying the day with us. There are children who are abandoned at birth and also children who were brought there by their own parents because they cannot afford to give them daily food. There were also old people left there by their children. The irony of life could be seen in their eyes and we could see the happy life that we lead has another worse side too for some unfortunate ones.

The second day was 'games day'....We had great fun that day by playing various games that were pre-planned by the game leaders. We had a game with balloons in which each person participating will have a balloon tied to her leg and she has to break the balloon of the other people participating but should save hers till the end. The other game was with an elastic band. In this we all gathered into two teams and the one team whose every member goes through the elastic band from head to toe first will be the winner. The next game was an bun eating competition in which Rosh won because she was pushing in the buns one by one with great difficulty but in very less time!!!

The third day we had the culturals and it was great performing dance and song for the little children and the old from the orphanage. They enjoyed every minute of the event with us.

We were all totally exhausted after the celebrations but we all planned to continue this fun throughout the days here. So as a beginning thing, we planned a trip on a Sunday and we went to St. Angelo's Fort at Cannanore. It is a Portuguese fort built by the first Portuguese viceroy of India on the Arabian sea. It's surrounded by the sea on both sides. I found it as a very peaceful setting and anybody who want a holiday free from the boom of the city can always come here and return refreshed.



We played music and danced to the tune of it all day through near the seashore. The beach was not accessible because the fort was built on the sea, God knows how they managed to build it so near to the sea. Anyhow, we all returned back heavily tanned. My skin nearly got burned from the sun there. I became tanned reddish brown to say exactly. I am really having a very tough time changing it back to the old hue. Even my friends are doing the same exactly.
















This

Nowadays, we are trying beauty treatments after 9 in our hostel rooms. We gather in the biggest room and try things on each of our faces every day and decide on which pack to be continued to get back our fairness and the one pack that I found really worthwhile is:

1. Besan powder - 2 tsp
2. Kastoori Turmeric powder - 1 tsp
3. Honey - 5 drops
4. Lemon juice - Half a tsp
5. Milk - So much to make the above into a paste.

Apply the above pack for about 20 minutes and then wash off with cold water. You can really find the glow that you had never seen on your face.

So friends, that's all for the day......Now lemme get back and make a call to my Chotu darlu....

The Reality.....

I don't know why I am so different, I don't know why I cannot live like a normal person. I don't know why I get involved in relationships that can harm me, that can hurt me, that can make me feel estranged from the world that I live. I don't know why things are so complicated when they should be the simplest. I don't know why I hate to accept the reality that surrounds me. I don't know why I am confused most of the days of my life. I don't know how I am able to be happy amidst all such worries. I don't know why any of the maladies that happened are not affecting my mind. I don't know why I still live the way I want to rather than listening to those around me. I don't know why I feel like being guilty of many things only infrequently. I don't know why I still believe that good things can happen in my life when I know well that such things can never happen.......

How to make Sid's favorite !!!

Dosas are Indian pancakes usually made from rice and urad dhal (split black gram). This is a crepe-like food of India, it's very thin and crispy, with a slight bit of sour taste. In Kerala, we make it even on a daily basis. They are a good source or protein and are easy to make.

Ingredients

• 3 to 1 mixture of white rice + urad dhal (1 cup of rice + half cup of urad dhal)

1 teaspoon of fenugreek seeds.

1. Soak the two ingredients in cold water for several hours, adding a teaspoon of fenugreek seeds. Drain the water and grind both the rice and dhal to a fine texture (note: as you are grinding, add water until you have a batter-like consistency).

2. Leave the mixture in a sealed container in a warm environment for 24 hours. The mixture will need room to expand. Small bubbles should be seen in the mixture - add salt to taste.

3. Use a non-stick frying pan. Warm the pan so it is just hot , remove from heat. Do not add any cooking oil at this stage. Spoon in several large tablespoons of the mixture into the center of the pan and using the back of the spoon, spiral the mixture out to the edge of the pan and place on a medium/high heat. As the mixture starts to firm, use a little cooking oil around the edge of the pan.

4. Check the underneath of the dosa - you want it to be a fairly dark brown. Then turn it over - the second side will have a different texture from the first and will not go a deep brown.

5. Remove from the pan and fold in half, ready to serve with hot chutney or sambar.

Aajao Chotu, it's time for breakfast !!!

TODAY !!!

These days I find it difficult to find time to sit patiently and write my blog. So today the first thing I did in the morning after waking up was to schedule the things I need to do as Sundays seem to pass off with the velocity of light. I managed to finish my errands before afternoon and now my oil bath is the only big thing pending. I had an oil massage to my hair and then I thought of putting up a post here while the oil can find its way to the root of my hair.

Holidays are fun at times but not always. Sometimes I find holidays boring. I am not much of an outgoing person, so I spent my holidays at home, in front of TV or computer or books or chatting away with my mother. These days life seems to be stagnant. Things are happening as it should be but still I feel there is a calm, a calm that usually exists before a big storm. Hope this calm continues forever and no storm disrupts my life.

Sometimes I feel am a rather complicated person who don't know the right thing to choose in life. Although my decisions have never made me regret, I am afraid my decisions that are going to come in future may make me regret and that is something that I never want to happen. I love being with people who love me but when those people hate me loving the other one who cares about me, it creates an imbalance in my life. There are two such people in my life these days who are totally extreme in their character but who are exactly the same in showing their care for me. Choosing the best is not in my hands any more because deep in my heart I know I love both of them. But eventually things will have to straighten up and I will have to make a strong and firm decision which will change my life forever. Thinking of that day makes me shiver inside. I don't want to be a loser in my life anymore. I want to decide about only the best thing. Am I being selfish now? I don't know.

Well, the monsoon has come finally. It's cool and calm outside with greenery everywhere. I love the rainy days, sitting and watching the rain from my verandah is such a lovely thing to do during the monsoon months. If I have a cup of hot coffee and delicious chips made by my mother, it will be the most enchanting moment for me. Tomorrow, I got to pack my bags back to my workplace. My home has started to become a kind of holiday escape for me these days, but it's good that way rather than staying at home and forgetting about how much we can miss our home when we are away.

Well, so much for this week. See you all with my boring tantrums next time.....Have a good time !!!

Will there be a RE-TURN?

The rising sun has to set come evening....

Well, maybe he did not love me… but for some reason I do not believe that is true either. The only thing I know to be true is that he broke my heart. And now, regardless of how he felt about me, or how I desperately loved him, we are done forever. I’m just waiting to see exactly how long forever is…

How did I end up here? It’s the only statement I could fathom while standing on the veranda of my upstairs house that seemed to be my only stability. My eyes burned as the cool evening breeze dried the mist of my unformed tears. As I looked across the never ending green fields it was as if I saw a reflection of every moment we have shared together. Every look, every fight, every kiss, every touch; these memories fell like a blanket across the vast green ocean. My heart felt as if it was drowning in its own hopeful sorrow. I turned toward the road escaping the haunting scenes that sailed across the calm fields. I watched as people working in the fields climbed on to the road with mud matted hands and legs. I took a deep breath as I grasped the pillar on the veranda and bowed my head. Then I raised my eyes, and there he was.

It hurt to look at him knowing that I would have to say goodbye. As he made his way down the stairs it was as if I was watching him in slow motion. I observed his every move as if it was the last time I would ever see him; because I knew it was - this was the last time I would ever look at him this way.

After our meaningless exchange of a greeting his timid hug made my heart sink. It was as if my heart was a weight inside my chest; its heaviness drawing my breath out of my lungs down into my gut. I looked out into the green searching for the right words to break the silence. The realization that this was goodbye took over me; but I knew goodbye was one thing I never wanted to say to him. Looking at his glossy blank stare I knew he realized the same thing. Anything we said from this point on would be irrelevant; nothing either of us said would change what had to happen.

I reached for his hand which rested against his lips. He laced his fingers through mine and everything felt okay. We were now facing each other, but I found it almost impossible to look at him. This moment felt so surreal. I held his hand with both of mine and brought them to my chest. Feeling my own heart beat confirmed that this was actually happening. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes fighting my sudden urge to cry. His grip tightened as he stepped closer. He pulled me towards him wrapping himself tightly around me as I collapsed in his arms. My head rested on his chest and I heard his heart. I heard the love that once consumed me. It was real; and I never wanted to let him go. His comforting touch was exactly what I needed right now; I couldn’t think of any place that I would rather be than in his arms. It killed me knowing that the only thing that could make me feel at ease in this moment would be the one thing tearing me apart in the next. As I hesitantly let him go my eyes made their way to his. Looking into each other’s eyes there was no need for words; we both understood that. I watched my fingers trace their way from his scruffy jaw line, across his gentle heartbeat, down to the arms that once embraced me. Just as I reached his hand he brushed my hair from the front of my face and lifted my chin. He grabbed the back of my neck and kissed me like he never had before. Maybe it was the passion, or sorrow, or overwhelming merge of emotions that terrified the both of us; but it felt different. My forehead rested against his. Looking into his intense, memorable, black eyes I realized the difference; the difference was that this kiss meant goodbye. I threw my arms around him one last time wondering what he felt while holding me. Did he still feel the innocent love he once held? Or did feel the desperate pain I now endured? With one last breath I found myself letting go; letting go of the only boy that could break my heart, letting go of the naive young love that caused my happiness, letting go of the past months. Goodbye.

I watched him walk away without turning back. His strong composure frustrated me; it’s something I will never understand. The heartbreak flooded my veins filling my troubled eyes with unrestrained tears. I held my head in my hands searching for the breath to calm my hysteria. I suddenly turned against the cool breeze and I let out a deep breath. I observed as the redness of the setting sun grew from the wide horizon. The dysfunctional love that we shared couldn’t be more like the setting and rising of the sun daily. The feeling between him and I came unexpected just as the sun seems to appear out of no where unaware of what’s ahead. Over the past months the tide changed more times than anyone could count. We sailed through the ups and downs of the unpredictable passion that moved us both. I now followed the rhythm to find myself staring at the lonely road once again; and there we were. I noticed the scenes of our time together that walked across the green fields had finally made their way to the still land. Sooner or later every one has to reach their home. No matter how hard one fought the challenges of life, and regardless of what we have been through to finally find ourselves in love; both inevitably crashed. And now all that’s left was the fading redness that is my memories and the darkness cast over that was the only remnant of my jaded heart.


This was another beautiful prose that came up in my mind which I thought of sharing with you all. This is based on the theme "Lost Love."

Should I Cry or Laugh ???!!!!

This is the way you left me,I’m not pretending. No love,no hope,no glory..no happy ending..

The Aftermath !!!

The scene is the college canteen. Time is nearly 9 o'clock at night. Around the table are two girls and a guy who were very good friends. Opposite their table was the guy whom the three of them hated more than anything with his follower. They were looking at their opposite table, commenting on something and laughing their stupid laughter. The girl on the opposite seat asked them when she couldn't take it any more, "Aap muje dekhke has kyu rahe he?" Her enemy asked innocently, "Mein??? Nahi tho." The girl said, "Mein bhi apko bahut der se dekh rahi hu, aap haste jaa rahe he mere upar." He again said, "Nahi tho, hum tho aapas me has rahe he kisi aur baat pe. Apke upar nahi has rahe he" Then they both stood up and went to wash hands. When they returned they stopped by our table and then we began to laugh between ourselves. He again said, "Bhale mein kyu hasungi apko dekhkar? Mere ankh thoda teda he, isliye kabi kabi aisa lagta he logo ko." Then the girl said, "Ankh tho apke teek hi lag rahi he, muje kuch teda nazar nahi aa raha he." Then he again said, "Nahi, thoda teda he." And he walked two foot and turned again to the girl and said, "Mein apko hi dekhke has rahi thi." The girl felt like slapping him then and there.....But fate took a different turn.

It's a busy railway station. The time is again 9 o'clock in the night. The same guy and his follower are standing there and with them is the girl at whom they had laughed. The three of them are sad but nobody let that show on their faces. She told him, "Ab me tumse kab milungi Chotu? Hum tume bahut miss karenge. Lekin koi aur chaara bhi tho nahi he." He told her not to get upset or cry. By that time, the taxi driver started calling them to come fast leaving the guy at the railway station. There was no more time left to say goodbye. All the good days of friendship comes to an end at that railway station. Two good souls were going to be apart for God knows how long. The girl couldn't control her tears. It was like leaving something that was so precious to her heart forever. She hugged him and he kissed her on her forehead and asked her to leave before he cries. The girl left heavy hearted from the station. She turned to look at him after walking a short distance but he was nowhere to be seen. That was the last she saw of him.

Chotu is the Sid that she hated the most once and she is obviously no one else but your dear blogger!!!

I need to find the answer !

"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another."

How true this saying is!!! I am now here sitting with a long sheet of paper in my hand and typing with just one hand because I need a kind of support to write this post. I need the strength from the person who wants me to write about this here. This paper has his writing, his thoughts, his wishes and what I am to him. Yes, I am his "DOSTI."

Let's now get back to the scene where we stopped the last post. My on-the-job training. On Friday, we got our posting order and Monday morning came frozen and still. I was feeling blue because of my gonna-be OJT partner. Ankita was someone whom I knew well because she had been my project partner as well, so I was at least comfortable that she will be around. Soon I came to know that even she hates Sid. I thought well and good. Now it's two against one.

Well, I got ready, our bus was to leave our home (training centre) at sharp 8 but it started only at 8:30. Three of us, myself, Rems and Lex took a three-seater and it took nearly more than one hour to reach Delhi. Lex was having problems because of her being carrying but she managed somehow. We were all a lot worried about her. I had another worry at the back of my mind - SID!!! Our bus reached the destination first. There were two buses from our centre. We waited for the other bus because Ankita and Sid were on that. I was worried about being left alone. An officer from our office was supposed to accompany us from where the bus left us as it was the first day. After that, we were to come on our own. The office alloted to us was two stations apart from where the bus left us. We were to travel by the metro train. At last, Anki and Sid arrived and the officer who were to take us also reached. We followed him. I was seeing the metro train for the first time in my life and it was a very comfortable travel. We reached the Jhandewalan station within 15 minutes. All this while, I never even looked at Sid as to how he is feeling. Actually, myself and Ankita had planned never to utter a word to him unless absolutely necessary.

We reached CBO 18. It was a small office on the third floor in between a clutter of old buildings. We were introduced to everyone and we took seat near the officer in-charge. Sid was the only experienced person because he had got his real posting already and had been working for two months at the regional office but myself and Anki were freshers and we did not have any idea as to what happens inside the office. Theory is always different from the practical aspect, right? So myself and Ankita exchanged glances and sat bored for about 1 hour. Sid was getting phone calls in between and after about 1 hour he asked permission to go out and left. We let go of our breath and felt a big relief that he was out of our way now. We just wanted him to never come back. It was nearing lunch time and sir was worried of Sid. He ordered food for the two of us only. We didn't know Sid's phone number but somehow managed to get the number from the other guys in our training and gave it to sir. He called up and then he told us that he was with a friend and had his lunch. By 3 o'clock, he turned up. We thought he will get good scolding from sir but nothing like that happened and we were disappointed.

Our first day ended by 4 o'clock. Myself and Ankita said goodbye to sir and walked fast. We could hear Sid's footsteps behind us but we never cared. I felt awkward because never in my life had I faced such a situation like leaving someone in your own group behind for no reason but I followed Anki without thinking more. He might have sensed our urgency to leave him alone but he was on board the metro with us. We ignored him as if he didn't exist at all. I felt good and also bad at the same time. It was strange.

Day #2: We reached office as usual, myself and Ankita first and 10 minutes later Sid. For the first time, he asked us where did we run off. I was the one to answer him always because Anki totally wanted to ignore him. Even I wanted to, but I was not able to be that stone hearted, so I told him Anki wanted to have a coffee, so we hurried. He didn't say anything. Lunch time, we were taken to a restaurant nearby and he sat opposite me which I never thought I will have to ever. He never even looked at me once but ordered what he wanted and kept talking to sir who had accompanied us. I too kept my distance by maintaining my silence with him. I felt like he never bothered whether we ignored him or cared about him. That evening also we hurried back to the bus without waiting for him.

Day #3: I was feeling bad. In the morning, when I got down from the bus, I looked for Sid. He was standing with one of our batchmate and his chamchi a bit far looking for us but hadn't seen us. Anki wanted to avoid him, so I took her through a different side and we escaped alone. We reached office before him. In the evening also the same thing happened. That day, at the training centre, we happened to hear from someone that he had asked why Anki is considering him so bad, as if he had raped someone or what. This question made me giggle at that time but also made me think: "What has he really done to us that we are avoiding him like anything???? Three days have passed and he has never even looked at us in any kind of lusty way. Why am I afraid of him then???"

Day #4: My hatred for him was a bit less on that day. He had brought his laptop to the office on that day and was busy on it the whole day. He was showing everybody his snaps and even showed me his house, his village, his parents, his bhaiya, the temple nearby his house and such things. I didn't show much interest as Ankita was with me. That day, he was with us in the evening while going to board the bus and he was in the bus on my front seat. He was playing like a child with his fellow friends and that was when I started to notice him. A kind of curiosity had risen in my mind. I felt like I should know more about this person. I should know why I hate this person. Is he really someone whom I should hate??? My mind was full of questions that evening when I went to sleep.......

Hatred kills our senses !!!

So I was telling you about my training time at Delhi, right??? Let's go back to Faridabad...

After being in the training module for about four days, I was already bored of the hectic schedule and the looooong theory classes. I was a last but one bencher and the only fun in the class was looking at the front benchers getting bored and getting engaged in various activities. It was Friday, the day when a new guy turned up late for the training - Sid - someone whom I am not going to forget ever. I know you are reading this man!!! Look how you are smiling now!!!

Well, let's make him read it till the end, so this has got to be interesting but I am not going to make it interesting by including things which did not happen but whatever I am going to write here are things that happened! That day, for lunch this guy along with another guy sat at our table. I asked him why he was late and he replied in a very odd way. He was busy with his lunch and didn't even look up at me while eating. So I thought to ask him something else just to see how he replies. On that day, we were to have our weekly tests in the last hour. He was a B.Tech holder and according to him studying for exam was a surprise as he said he had never done that in his life. I felt like punching him, so I asked how did he get through the test and training then. He again replied in his careless style which made me feel like punching him again and from that moment I started to HATE him. I know this is not a reason to hate a person but for me this was a strong reason because I hate people who consider themselves superior to others and still holds the same position as others and I hate people who don't value the things which are socially acceptable (for example, exams). From his conversation, I felt exams were of no value to him. That was too much. I just put a cross for him in my mind on that day. There ends our first rendezvous.

A month went off. He got a friend with him whom we used to call his 'chamchi' because he can be seen with Sid always. We had a friend there who was Sid's room mate and he was always irritated with Sid and we used to add up to his irritation by telling him how much we hated that guy. Sid had a kind of "boyishness" about him. We felt he didn't know how to behave, he didn't know how to make friends, he didn't know how to talk to girls. All in all, we thought him a rogue, a person who is not to be made a friend. Sid always used to make fun of our group in front of his friends - not in a way that we could hear - but from their glances and their laughter when we pass by them, we all knew that he is making fun of us or specially 'me'. This started after he scored the last place in the first week's test. He came to me to tell that he had become first from last in the class and I didn't care to reply and he got pissed off. I knew that was the reason but I just hated the shadow of this person, so why should I bother to hear what he says? This was my attitude towards him.

There were two people in our class about whom we had very good regard - Parvatheeya and Sinha. They were in the good guys list. Parvath was a very good friend of mine until he lost my trust. So there was a badminton match during that time and the final match was to be between Sid+Heman and Parvath+Sinha. I wanted the latter to win. The December evenings at Faridabad were so cold that one cannot stand in the open without covering one's head. On the D-day, I went to see the match and to cheer for my friends. The moment I saw Sid, I felt myself ablaze. I don't know why, but just seeing him made my mercury rise. I wanted him to lose the game. I wanted to shout 'loser' in front of his face. There was some confusion when the match began and Sinha and Parvat were in very low spirits. I told Sinha that they should beat their rivals and it was very necessary to show their "aukaad" [ didn't even know what their aukaad was before or after :)] I started cheering for every shot Sid or Heman missed and for every shot that the rivals gained. I prayed to Lord Ganpati to make my team win. The match was at 9-2. There was no way that Parvat-Sinha could win. I heard Parvat shouting for water. No one bothered to give them water. I am a person who will do anything from my side if I trust a person as my pal. I ran from where I stood to the canteen which was a bit far. I searched up and down for a bottle there and got one and filled it up with water and ran back to the court. By that time, everyone was cheering and I first searched for Sid to see what was the final result. I spotted him in between some guys, his head down. I saw people congratulating Parvat. I ran to him to give him the water he had asked for. I knew who won. I congratulated the winners. I celebrated Sid's loss in my mind. but how foolish was I !!!!

Sid slowly became my enemy or rather he didn't become, I made him my enemy by growing such thoughts about him in my mind, by growing hatred towards him in my mind. Whenever I was in front of him, I could feel his eyes following me. Was it just my feeling or was it really so? Because I never dared to look at him as I just hate to see his face.

Days went by. During the training, we had a system of submitting our diaries every day with all the previous day's notes. One day, my friends came running to me with my diary. They showed me a page with some scribblings. It was written "Very good. Keep it up" on a note on which I had scored just 5/10. Instantly, I knew it was "HIM". No one else dared write such a thing in my diary. I felt myself enraged but I didn't want to make it an issue just then. I wanted to get him held for something bigger. My friends asked me to report against him but I knew that was foolishness. I told them to wait as if we don't know who has done it and we will catch him the next time he does the same thing. The next day, I saw him searching for the diary at the counter. Seeing me, he just started to talk to the nearby person as if he was there for something else. I stared at him for some time and left. Hatred was welling up in my heart.

On the 7th of Dec, our on-the-job training was about to begin at one of the Delhi offices. Every one was to be divided into a group of 5 to 8 people and will be sent to various branches and divisional offices in Delhi. Everyone was afraid as to with whom will they be put in as the training was to go on for 15 days. The day came when we were to receive our appointed office. Everyone was assembled in the room. Sir was calling each one and giving them the envelope with the details regarding the office to which we will be send and the in-charge's name etc. I was afraid of just one thing: Being put with Sid in a group. Though our numbers were far apart, I had a feeling in my heart that I will be put with him. I prayed to god to save me, to either put me with my friends or to put me in a group where Parvat will be there because I considered him a good friend of mine. Finally, my turn came. I had got CBO-18 at Jhandewalan Extention in Delhi along with Ankita and SID. My world stopped there at that moment. I felt tears rolling down. I went and collected the envelope, didn't even bother to open it to see the particulars. I just laid on the desk and hid my face. Everyone was asking my friends why was I upset. They got angry at my crying. They consoled me but I was angry at them. I shouted at Lekshmy that day in the room because she was saying she felt that I was being childish and she was feeling ashamed of me. I cried the whole evening.

But never did I know at that moment that my tears were meaningless and that the days to follow were going to be the best days of my life......

Wait for the next part!