February 06, 2016

Offering prayers to you......

Posted by Ams at 2/06/2016 08:38:00 PM 0 nailing
                   I offer you my thoughts, my bleeding heart, my sincere prayers to save my father and myself to you, Saint....I beseech you to give him the strength to tolerate the pain he will come across throughout the journey forward and please let him have his body intact and all his organs functioning well after the procedure...

God, be with us, save us, protect us, keep us together.....

Saint Alphonsa, pray for us

April 05, 2015

If I could follow his soul.....

Posted by Ams at 4/05/2015 11:38:00 PM 0 nailing
Johny is no more. He left us tonight to a better place.
We will never have another dog in this house. Johny has left a space in our hearts which no one can ever fill in...We all will always love you .

Let his soul RIP.....

November 23, 2014

Their memories will never fade......

Posted by Ams at 11/23/2014 06:28:00 PM 0 nailing
Today, we lost two sweet souls to some unknown contagion. Even though they were half siblings, they were bonded in love during their lifetime and even in death. Today, they both gave up their lives in one-hour time interval to be reunited in heaven where no earthly hardships can ever come their way. I wish their souls Rest In Peace...

Though you are far away from us,
We will never forget your love for each other,
The cries for milk every morning we open the doors,
The jolly jumps on sight of the milk can in mother's hands,
The shufflings and rumblings while you both toppled over one another,
We can still hear your meows in our ears.....
We can never forget you dears.....

Love you Chinjuma and Kunga....

February 17, 2014

Pauly Stole My Heart !!!!

Posted by Ams at 2/17/2014 07:06:00 AM 0 nailing
This is the first time am sitting here to post something so early in the morning. The clock has struck 6:45 and my breakfast time is running near. I was thinking of writing this up yesterday evening but a friend of mine came up to adorn my hands with mehandi, so I had to wait till morning.

Yesterday was a busy Sunday with all the cleaning, washing and stuff but got to spent the afternoon gaping at Nivin and Nazriya in the movie theatre. Am not a movie buzz but went to watch 'Om Shanthi Oshana'. A movie worth watching. A perfect entertainer and that too from a girl's point of view. Moreover the movie is about a girl born in the same year that I was - 1983. Something more interesting.

I planned to watch this movie just for Nivin Pauly, the lead actor, as I am an ardent fan of his (a secret unveiled) but after watching it, I fell in love with the actual lead, Pooja Mathew played by Nazriya. She was cute and bubbly and she had already stolen the show when I heard the whistle blows from the onlookers the first time she entered the screen.

Nivin Pauly stole my heart the first time I saw him in Thattathin marayathu. But this one gave a different side of him, a bit more serious and mature character Giri which he has portrayed so beautifully that anyone of Puja's age might fall in love with him and his looks were stunning and unmatchable.

This one was a simple, funny, beautiful entertainer which took me back to my school and college days and made me fall in love once again!!!!

August 08, 2013

Life, death and some unexpected incidents

Posted by Ams at 8/08/2013 05:48:00 PM 0 nailing
I know the title may sound a bit baffling but that is the title I want to give to this post.Today, after so many days, I felt my mind brimming with ideas to post here and I was not finding it easy sitting doing nothing. It was like an urge filling my mind, making it suffocate. I feel thankful to myself for beginning a blog like this here so that I could give vent to my thoughts over here.

The rainy season is at its topmost form in Kerala this year with more than 24 cm rainfall till now which is a very rare phenomenon in the last two decades. Today, the rain has stopped a bit but it’s still cloudy up above and I can hear the wind howling around blowing away the leaves over the treetops and also blowing away my clothes that were out to dry on the clothesline. I just hurried up and picked them up and came inside to sit down and write.

Four days ran away like in the blink of an eyelid. I was down with fever from Monday and I don’t know why I let myself travel till my workplace 130 km away and then back again when I myself felt the situation getting out of my control. Whew!!! Don’t want to think about those 7 hours of hell when my temperature just began to sore. Consulted the doc, took some heavy dose pills and I am back to near-normal.

These days have given me two great sorrows and I am not going to forget this rainy season ever. One of my good friends has lost his father to liver cirrhosis and the other sorrow I am not disclosing on ground of fear and respect to the people involved. So maybe that’s why I am feeling so disturbed at heart. It’s like my heart is saying something is not right around you. But what is the solution that I can offer??? There is no solution that happens to come to my mind other than offering my condolence to those living.

Everyone knows that death is always tragic and no one rejoices in death except if it is that of an enemy. Still death is inevitable and everyone respects death as he arrives as an uninvited guest at unexpected circumstances. We realise the beauty of life when we face the death of our dear and near ones. The death which really shook me was my uncle’s as I had mentioned somewhere in my older posts. Then there was the death of my squirrel over which I cried my heart out. Tears are intertwined with death. Sometimes I feel the futility of tears in the face of death. Isn’t that just our selfishness which brings tears to our eyes? Or is it real love for that person because of which we cry?Maybe both are involved on a 50-50 basis.

It has started to rain again. I am listening to a cheerful song from the movie YahaanCheeful music always makes your heart lighter and help you look at the lighter side of life, away from the hardships and sufferings at least for those five minutes the song is on. Let me say Bye to you on a cheerful note then.

May 20, 2013


Posted by Ams at 5/20/2013 08:41:00 AM 0 nailing

Mother’s day!!!! We all celebrated it without knowing who started this day!!!Well, The modern Mother's Day was first celebrated in 1908, when Anna Jarvis held a memorial for her mother in Grafton, West Virginia, USA. Anna Maria Reeves Jarvis, her mother, was a social activist and organizer during and after the American Civil War. Mother's Day is a celebration honoring mothers and motherhood, maternal bonds, and the influence of mothers in society.

This post am about to write is totally dedicated to my loving mother. I know there are people who have loved their mothers more than I do and also conveyed it through their action unlike me and that is the sole reason why my mother is special. I have never been able to give her what she deserved but still she loves me unconditionally.

My mother is from a local village bordering Palghat and Malappuram. She lived a normal or you may call it a below normal childhood with no dolls to play with and to speak frankly, it was certainly not a colourful childhood. She is the youngest of the three children to her parents and her mother had been a strict orthodox which only made my mother an atheist gradually due to the strict and compulsory rules she had to follow to in God's name. She used to nurture the dream of becoming a Hindi teacher but she could barely pass her matriculation because there was so much domestic jobs at home those days. This never gave her time to concentrate on her studies and moreover, there were no tuition centres in those times which could aide in her studies, especially mathematics, in which she was too weak.

After her matriculation, she was afraid to join for higher studies. She lacked confidence in herself. She joined typewriting, passed both higher and lower exams. She then started stitching as a hobby. But here also her confidence came in the way and she never stitched anything other than her own dresses.

And finally, she got married to my father who was from a high profile family of Ponnani in Malappuram and she reached Kolkata where he was working at the time. That was the first time she travelled by train. In those days, my father earned much less compared to what the youngsters do these days. He had rented a small quarters in Kolkata and my mother had to stay within the house until he returns in the evening. She was unable to mingle with the neighbours too as she was not well versed in Bengali. Slowly, she learned the language and was able to talk with her neighbours. My father was never a person to entertain friends at home. Even today, he don’t have any friendships that I remember about. He used to keep everyone at a bay and he never allowed any outsider to be closer to him than his family. Hence my mother also lacked friendships other than a few neighbours.

After I came into their life, their life became more difficult. I was a child who was unhealthy and they had to run with me to the doctor once in a while. My father used to blame amma whenever I fell ill saying that she didn’t take proper care of me. Poor her!!! She has suffered so much for me. I had this bad habit of not sleeping  unless amma made me sway on her lap. I used to cry until she did that and that should be continued until I sleep. Amma used to get leg pain because of that. I have troubled her to such an extent even in the matter of eating food. I was such a slow eater and had an aversion to food, especially milk. I hate milk!!!!(not now though). She had to pamper me with stories and when she turns impatient, I used to get nice thrashings which made me gulp the food in a few seconds.

Life was going smooth until 2006. My amma always packed me everything that I needed, my favourite food and drinks whenever I left home for the workplace, at the time, Kovai. She used to wake up early to prepare everything when I will be snoring away.

I gave her so much pain with that one incident in 2006 which changed all our lives. That is the worst year of my life and I just want to erase it out of my life. I know she can never forgive me for what I did because that incident took away her respectful life in the society. She has come to terms with it still. I know that. I can understand that. If I had a daughter, maybe I too will react the same. So I have got nothing against her for blaming me for what happened. I accept it. But I don’t regret about it. It’s just that I feel sorry that I couldn’t be the daughter she wanted me to be.

She still loves me the same even if I made her life so hard. She still packs me the best food in the world waking up early in the morning leaving everything else, prepares what I like the most and buys for me the best things she can manage. She is the one who gives me courage to do anything under the sun without being afraid of anything like she did in her life. She taught me the best behaviour I have, to keep things neat and tidy, to be sincere in the work that we do and many more such good qualities. I know she loves her two daughters the same and one day I want to give her what she deserves. I have so many plans in my mind but I don’t know when they will get realized. One day, if God forbids, everything will turn back normal and her life will be beautiful than ever because of me because I don’t want to see her hanging her head in shame in front of others because of me. One day she will proudly say that ‘my daughter is the best’.


February 24, 2013

A few random thoughts !

Posted by Ams at 2/24/2013 03:24:00 PM 0 nailing
Today, I was not planning to post anything but as the afternoon rose, things started piling up in my mind and I thought it is better to jot them down than carry them forever in my mind until they vanish. Moreover, my mobile phone is not with me and that's making my life more easier or rather that's giving me more time to be with myself.

I was never addicted to mobile phones till the year 2006. 2006 changed many things in my life or to tell straight, this year made my life turn into a disaster, a hopeless one. But I found hope three years after that through a person who became the light of my life. I knew the road on which I was traveling will never lead me to good but I couldn't keep myself from it until he came. Now, that hope too is diminishing. I am afraid whether my being in his life is making his life distraught. He was only to be there for a short time in my life. Now I realise it's time to move on, for him and for me. This brings up the eternal truth: Nothing Lasts Forever.

Coming back to the day, I am sitting near the window in my room which opens out to the terrace where I can see all the girls' washed dresses hanging on ropes to dry up. The full blown sun is shining down but none of its rays can touch me as there is a sheltering wall in between. It feels good after a big round up of monthly cleaning of the room and cupboards, washing up your bedspreads and mosquito net and other messy clothes, having a shampoo bath and then sitting here on the old wooden cot immersed in my own world. It's good when life moves on according to the timetable. I think I have got accustomed to that and now anything that will disturb this routine might be held with contempt by me. I enjoy to see things neatly arranged and everything kept in order around you. It brings a kind of mental peace.

Now I don't feel sorry about my life. I am happy living it this way. I am happy there are people out there to whom I can talk out my heart. I don't have complaints that no one listens to me. I am not burdened with miseries or problems. Maybe God wants it this way. I have never felt lonely in my life except when I was left with an unknown man by someone whom I loved. Now I realize that feeling was foolish. It was immature. There is nothing like loneliness unless you create it. You are never lonely in your life. You have thousands of things to do and think over if you care about it.

I no more believe in destinies created by us. Whatever we try to create, they can be destroyed by the great power above. Hence if you want something to happen in your life, desire for it earnestly, work sincerely towards it, decide never to lose it and be positive in your mind, let whatever hurdles you have to face.

I wish all bloggers a happy WISH FULFILLING WEEK !!!!

January 19, 2013

Posted by Ams at 1/19/2013 11:43:00 PM 0 nailing
This post is going to have so many specialties to claim this time. To elaborate on a few; this is the first post on my blog that I am going to write without a post title and this is also the first blog I will be posting from my own laptop!!! YIPPEE !!!

After a long break as usual in which I even thought of totally getting out of the blogosphere as I felt ashamed myself at how infrequent my posts have become. So it is a shame to tell people that I have got a blog in here in which I rarely jot down things.

These days I have been having some serious musings on various issues; personal, public, official and so on. So how to deal with these issues or how I am dealing with the same was what put me into a lot of confusing thoughts. It is not that I am in murky waters because of any of these issues; it is just that I don't seem to be getting a way out of my routinized life. My own fault, you might say when you hear my story. So I don't want to get on to that.

I have become lazier than ever after getting this permanent job. I feel comfortable that I am getting enough bucks in my pocket at the end of the month and that is what is making me lazier I suppose. Ambitions are still there in my mind but my goals are blurred. I feel that only a marriage can fix up my goals once more. All my concentration seems to be centering around this one problem which can't be fixed up at all. All the more, I have started losing my faith in the institution of marriage. I fear myself. My love for myself is putting things at a higher risk for me. It seems like "satisfaction" has disappeared from my life's story. Maybe I am overambitious or I am negatively balanced. I know the problem is with "ME". Guys come and go out of my life, maybe I myself invite them and ask them to get out. I feel I shouldn't be a mistake in their life. I want a person who perfectly understands, tolerates and assists me to be in my journey. I don't want another accident. The bruises from the fall I had seven years back have not yet healed. So I can't hasten things with anyone.

Yesterday during the evening prayers, I cried to God. It just calmed me down. I had stopped believing in God seven years back when my life had cracked down like a mirror. What I felt at the time to be a disbeliever was that even after knowing everything, God didn't give me the courage to stop that marriage from happening. Neither did he help me get out of that relationship. He just let everything happen without any delays. I felt God never loved me, that's why he punished me that way. But I was wrong, God might have had other beautiful plans for me. He had wanted me to grow strong and independent in life. I still don't know what his plans are for me but now I trust that whatever he does, it will all be for my good, because I am his daughter. So I will resist what I don't like and let happen what he wants if it has to be so. Without a miracle, we usually never believe that God exists. In every believer's life, there will be a miracle. In my life also, I got miracles after I turned an atheist. So now here I am, in front of you, as my God's child.

I hope to continue jotting down here....So cyao...

November 22, 2012

At last.......

Posted by Ams at 11/22/2012 07:29:00 PM 0 nailing
My beloved is radiant and ruddy,
    outstanding among ten thousand. 
 His head is purest gold;
    his hair is wavy
    and black as a raven. 
 His eyes are like doves
    by the water streams,
washed in milk,
    mounted like jewels. 
 His cheeks are like beds of spice
    yielding perfume.
His lips are like lilies
    dripping with myrrh. 
 His arms are rods of gold
    set with topaz.
His body is like polished ivory
    decorated with lapis lazuli.
His legs are pillars of marble
    set on bases of pure gold.
His appearance is like Lebanon,
    choice as its cedars.
His mouth is sweetness itself;
    he is altogether lovely.
This is my beloved, this is my friend,
    daughters of Jerusalem.

Adopted from Song of Songs

August 02, 2012

A way to love.....

Posted by Ams at 8/02/2012 10:11:00 PM 0 nailing

Despite your indifference or cold discriminations,
there is a way to touch me with your spirit—

a way to let that soul hold me with its long feathers

But when you see me with those carnal eyes,
you cannot truly touch me—I fall from your fingers

Like pearls and roll into the cracks of your wooden floor

And there I see those black and white pictures of you
enhanced by the roll of my life line, and I know
that what you say is untrue—there “is” a way to love me....

Adapted from Tumblr

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