After a long break as usual in which I even thought of totally getting out of the blogosphere as I felt ashamed myself at how infrequent my posts have become. So it is a shame to tell people that I have got a blog in here in which I rarely jot down things.
These days I have been having some serious musings on various issues; personal, public, official and so on. So how to deal with these issues or how I am dealing with the same was what put me into a lot of confusing thoughts. It is not that I am in murky waters because of any of these issues; it is just that I don't seem to be getting a way out of my routinized life. My own fault, you might say when you hear my story. So I don't want to get on to that.
I have become lazier than ever after getting this permanent job. I feel comfortable that I am getting enough bucks in my pocket at the end of the month and that is what is making me lazier I suppose. Ambitions are still there in my mind but my goals are blurred. I feel that only a marriage can fix up my goals once more. All my concentration seems to be centering around this one problem which can't be fixed up at all. All the more, I have started losing my faith in the institution of marriage. I fear myself. My love for myself is putting things at a higher risk for me. It seems like "satisfaction" has disappeared from my life's story. Maybe I am overambitious or I am negatively balanced. I know the problem is with "ME". Guys come and go out of my life, maybe I myself invite them and ask them to get out. I feel I shouldn't be a mistake in their life. I want a person who perfectly understands, tolerates and assists me to be in my journey. I don't want another accident. The bruises from the fall I had seven years back have not yet healed. So I can't hasten things with anyone.
Yesterday during the evening prayers, I cried to God. It just calmed me down. I had stopped believing in God seven years back when my life had cracked down like a mirror. What I felt at the time to be a disbeliever was that even after knowing everything, God didn't give me the courage to stop that marriage from happening. Neither did he help me get out of that relationship. He just let everything happen without any delays. I felt God never loved me, that's why he punished me that way. But I was wrong, God might have had other beautiful plans for me. He had wanted me to grow strong and independent in life. I still don't know what his plans are for me but now I trust that whatever he does, it will all be for my good, because I am his daughter. So I will resist what I don't like and let happen what he wants if it has to be so. Without a miracle, we usually never believe that God exists. In every believer's life, there will be a miracle. In my life also, I got miracles after I turned an atheist. So now here I am, in front of you, as my God's child.
I hope to continue jotting down here....So cyao...
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